Asperger Syndrome

I have been diagnosed as one who "has it". I'm not sure what it all means yet, but it's given me licence to stop trying to be something that I am not and stressing myself out. I've always felt that I've not quite fitted in. I guess I can now stop trying, as I quite obviously was never meant to. The most important revelation to me is that I now know I am not doing anything "wrong".

Is this all about alienation? I think some may perceive it as so. I forget the last time when I have arrived home and not felt a sense of relief at being able to close the door upon the world and leave it all outside, safe in my own solitude. I do miss some things that people or animals give, but these things are ephemera - I have to be in the mood for them. It sounds disingenuous, but that's the way it is and has always been, for me.

One thing I am more aware of is my affinity to animals. I guess it's a gift (or a curse, when a pet in a social in the group won't leave me alone). It's as if they know something I (and other humans) don't. I just seem to have an understanding of them and am able to read them better than humans. Maybe it's perceived as such - maybe they read me better than other people. I'm not sure which is more correct. Note to self - topic for study.

I'm still amazed at people's reactions to me. Some think it's fine. Others think I have a disease and ask when I'm to be cured. Some treat me with the same apparent disdain. Some think it's in their interest to play it down and state it's nothing special, as if it's something I'm going to hide behind or use in order to make myself feel better. People are still an enigma to me - how they can be so judgmental from a position of relative ignorance is a constant source of frustration and annoyance.

On the subject of AS, I'm going to write a short paper on the possible correlation between road traffic collision severity and autism spectrum disorders. I think two key areas have piqued my interest - hazard perception and physical dyspraxia (both common symptoms of the spectrum). It would be interesting to find out if there is a link. I have not come across anything written about the subject of ASDs and driving yet.

So, I'll continue, but the blog will become more of a regular diary. Today may be the start of something wonderful. Oh - almost forgot - each entry will still have a piece of doggerel attached to it, to whit: today's haiku about my current frustration:

On Antidepressants

Calm, before a storm
of my soaring emotions -
dented due to drugs